Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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