my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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