If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
MIDGETS
????
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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