I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
