Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
