Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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