FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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