Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
