he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
