she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We're too hungover to prance.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
