If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
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So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
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If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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