"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
