So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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