ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
