I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
