Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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