The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
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my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
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I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
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