GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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