Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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