and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
