it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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