omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
