Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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