i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.