Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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