he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
