when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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