i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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