at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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