Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
