so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
