Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
