my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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