I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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