She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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