you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
