My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
