make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
