I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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