: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
