I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
