I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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