I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
