he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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