He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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