I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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