I CAN MOONWALK!
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
