you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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