I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
