I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
