Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
