Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
