I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
