apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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