there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
