I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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