When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
