the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
