Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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